Recently, in a small group setting a conversation broke out between two individuals. I have written much about asking the right questions and how to properly formulate those questions. It is my belief that we are oftentimes asking the wrong questions, in church, in business, and in our personal conversations. As long as we’re asking the wrong questions, we’ll never get to the right answers. Learning to ask properly formulated questions is a great start.
While it is a start, good questions are not enough. In the conversation I mentioned in the first sentence of this article, person number one was asking questions to ascertain information from person two. Acquiring information is one of the four purposes of a question and perhaps the most used. Some of the questions in that conversation were descent to good questions. Yet, I recognized an issue in this conversation.
The main issue in this conversation was not the questions being asked. It was the refusal of the questioner to accept the answers given. Some of person 2’s answers were perfectly legitimate answers. Instead of accepting the answer and asking a follow up question, the questioner would not let up, pressuring for the answer he wanted.
This type of questioning is not leading. It is a team buster and a morale killer. Every person on the team will pull away from open dialogue, fearing similar treatment from one or more team members.
People you are leading or partnering with on a team may not always give the answers you desire. Within a team that should be okay. One purpose of a team is to gather possibilities from multiple sources. At the first meeting with any new team I share four reasons they were selected, four characteristics they must live up to. 1) Open minded, 2) Forward thinking, 3) Ready to speak, 4) Willing to Listen.
Everyone has an equal voice and is expected to speak freely, even if his/her thoughts are opposite of what everyone else is sharing. The team needs all the information and insights God may be giving to each individual. On the flip side, because everyone is expected to speak, then all must also be willing to listen with patience and openness.
Perception is reality. What a person perceives is her reality. We must accept her response as her reality. Then, if pertinent, we need to use properly formulated questions (asked in the proper tone) to help her in understanding the truth. On the other hand, we must also be willing to listen as her perception may be closer to reality than we want to admit.
Asking properly formulated questions and being willing to accept answers go hand in hand. We can and must do both. Are you open-minded enough to listen to the answers of your questions even if they are not your anticipated answers?
George Yates is an Organizational Health Strategist and coach, assisting churches, organizations, and individuals in pursuing God’s purpose for life. Click here to receive this blog in your email inbox each Tuesday.